Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
