Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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