nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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