I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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