Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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