giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
