apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
