I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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