I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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