corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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