I am in a vortex of obligation.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
