that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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