apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
