Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
