Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
