I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
