I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
