girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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