God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
