Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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