You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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