I think I won the penis lottery.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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