I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
