9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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