whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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