Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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