paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
