I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
