If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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