get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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