Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
