You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
