so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
