Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
