Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
