she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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