Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
