Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
