Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
