Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
