god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
