Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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