Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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