I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
