I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
