The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
