I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
