yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
