does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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