Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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