Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Everclear isn't food dammit
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
