just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.