There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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