Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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