i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
