Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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