I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
