Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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