He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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