either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
